It has been many months since my last post only because up until now I wasn't exactly sure what to write. I am going to be extremely personal on this one in hopes that what I am about to share may help others to know that the God of heaven and earth loves you!!
First let me say that I do not share this for sympathy, for I do not need any. I know a little of why I have gone on the path that I have been on and I am discovering more all the time. This is strictly shared to help others who may be in similar circumstances with their own trials.
Have you ever wondered when you are headed down a path in life and you think that it will continue in the same manner, when all of a sudden it shifts to the right or left without you knowing? Ever wondered why the things that you want end up being something different? Or maybe you have wondered why a particular trial continues for years upon end and it seems there is no way out?
I like you have had these questions from time to time. Some of those times I turned to others for help, and some of those times I realized that I really needed my Father in Heaven's help. When I graduated from High School I had plans to go to college, serve a mission, be married, and finally have the desire of my heart...to be a mother. The pathway started out the way I thought, with one exception- annoying headaches with no answer as to what was causing them. I went to many doctors trying to find the answers, I prayed for relief, and I sought help from trusted men of God who held the priesthood. The first 2 years of college I was with some wonderful people and I managed to survive school despite the pain that seemed to bring me down.
There were times roommates would ask, "well if your head hurts so much, why don't you just stay at home on the couch til it stops?" and my reply was "Then I would be here all the time and what life would that be?". I knew they cared for me and were trying to help, but that one question gave me the determination to keep going no matter the pain.
I saw neurologists, regular doctors, and even physical therapists but nothing seemed to help. Though I saw so many I never gave up hoping that one day I would have the answer. I graduated with an Associate's degree from Ricks College and then was home for about a year before going to serve a mission in the Virginia Richmond Mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The headaches remained with me the entire time I served, but I learned so much from that short 18 months. I met people who had more severe diseases and yet they were happy. One of those in particular was Steve Thomas, one of the counselors in the mission presidency, who had Rheumatoid Arthritis. He was one of the happiest people I have ever met in my life regardless of how much pain he was in. He did all that he could to serve others and would do it with a smile. Often I wondered how he was able to do so much even though he was in chronic pain. I know there was a day that I asked him how he did it, but now over 11 years later I don't even remember the exact answer. But I do know that a lot of it came from his testimony of the Savior, Jesus Christ and that He knows ALL that we go through.
When I came home from my mission at the end of 2002, I decided that since Ricks College had become a 4 year university that I would go back to Rexburg and attend BYU-Idaho. There were things that blessed my life left and right while I was there as a student. I continued to have the headaches.
In 2004 I was heading down to Utah to attend a wedding of a good friend that I served my mission with, Megan, and my car flipped on the driver's side in the median. I spent a few weeks wondering why it happened, but I really never knew why exactly. The fact is that is was a bump in my road of life that I had not expected. ( I did make it to the wedding the next day and was so grateful to be there.)
I had great roommates and friends and felt so loved being there in Rexburg. Then in 2005 a few things happened that I thought may be helpful to the headaches and life in general. I learned in April that I had a small hole in my heart in between the 2 atrial chambers that had probably been there since I was born. We didn't know it would help with the headaches but I went forward to do the surgery that was done through a catheter in a vein which was in my leg to place a mesh wire piece over the hole. It didn't help the headaches, but I knew I needed to do it anyway.
Over the rest of my schooling at BYU-Idaho (which was another year), I still had the headaches everyday, all day long with very little relief. I kept moving forward in life one day at a time, always hoping that one day I would really have an answer on how to make it better.
One year after my divorce, I began feeling a new symptom of numbness in my right arm and sometimes it would just ache after using it so much. So I went to the doctor in 2011 and he suggested that I have an MRI of my neck to see if the problem was coming from there. After so many medical tests in my life when things were all normal for the scans and other tests, I expected this MRI to be the same- Normal!! But I was called and told that I had degenerative disc disease in between C6 and C7, but that I also had a nodule on my thyroid. Beyond the numbness, chronic headaches, and feeling tired all the time, I felt just fine and still didn't think much of the nodule. I had an ultrasound which revealed the little pea-sized nodule was a SOLID mass!! My doctor sent me to a specialist for a biopsy to determine if it was benign or malignant. That doctor was very reassuring and told me that 90% of the nodules that are found are benign and that is what he was expecting too.
I was at work a few days later around the time of my 31st birthday, and I was just finishing up my lunch break when my phone rang. It was my doctor's office! He told me that it was malignant and that I needed to have surgery as soon as possible to remove it. I told him I was planning on moving from Coeur d'Alene to Pocatello, Idaho on May 10-11 (that was about 7 weeks away). He told me I would need to have surgery, and then about 4-5 weeks after I would need a full body scan with radioactive iodine.
I was in shock! I could hardly believe how this little cancer was found. At that time all I had time for was to call my parents and text my sister before returning back to work. My co-workers were very supportive and kind towards me. Oddly enough I really didn't spend much time crying even though cancer is a scary word!. Several times I was told that if you have cancer, that one of the best types to have was thyroid cancer since it requires no radiation or chemotherapy.
On April 6th, 2011 I went in for surgery to have my entire thyroid removed. My ward was very loving toward me during the recovery and my parents were there for me while I had surgery and for a couple of days after. I placed my trust in the Lord and moved forward with the treatment. Did I know what would happen when I heard the word cancer? No! I had no idea how it would turn out but I knew that He loved me!
On May 2 I went over for my radioactive iodine (I-131) treatment and was told I could be around no one for 2 days. It was kind of a lonely few days, but I did as asked. I had my full body scan on May 10th and moved down to Pocatello the very next day.
Now I am coming up on 3 years being cancer free in just 3 weeks. I still have my blood drawn every 3 months to make sure that the thyroid medication it replacing the hormone correctly. Sometimes I have been scared that the cancer has returned since I have had to have 2 PET scans, 2 ultrasounds, and 2 more I-131 radioactive iodine treatments. But as to my usual thing when it comes to medical tests- they come back normal.
The entire time since I was 18 I have had the headaches. Many times I have knelt down asking for the pain to be taken away so that I can be healed. People in the scriptures were healed and I knew that I could be too. I have always hoped and had faith that the day would come that I would again know what it is like to not have pain.
Well, I may be a step closer than I have ever been, but if not I accept the Lord's plan for me. Last semester as I have indicated previously with my blog, I was accepted into Pharmacy school. I was very excited, but I knew it would be really hard. What I didn't expect was more bumps in the road of life. Last semester when my blood levels were checked my thyroglobulin level was getting higher and it should be pretty much zero! So my cancer doctor wanted me to have a PET scan, and I did with it being normal- showing no cancer inside me! But the level climbed again and so I did an ultrasound which was also normal- no thyroid tissue found inside my neck. And finally in December I had my radioactive iodine abaltion with full body scan again.
I didn't know what was about to come next! My dream of pharmacy school was put on hold and life began a shoot off of the path that I was on. Due to all the medical appointments and working more to pay off those bills as they came, I ended up not passing all of my classes. Yes, it did hurt and I did cry at first as I felt that my dream of becoming a pharmacist was over. But Heavenly Father had a plan that I didn't see that He knew I would need to become the daughter that he knows I can be. The committee that I spoke with after the semester was over told me of an idea for my headaches that I had never heard of before: Neuromuscular dentistry and I could find out who practiced it through a school down in Las Vegas.
After that news, my sister and I headed home for Christmas to Portland, Oregon. It was the perfect time to be with my entire family. My family was sad for my situation and they just loved me when I needed it the most. That is exactly what God was doing for me too!!!
I came home and began to make the best of this situation. So I signed up to take some upper division biology and microbiology classes that will hopefully help me in pharmacy school when I return in the fall. But the biggest blessing came as I was looking and found an office in town that works with TMJ patients and they had a free consultation. I made an appointment just to see if it may be something that could be my answer.
Truthfully, as the doctor was describing to me what was going on it just made sense and I felt that was why life headed in a different direction that I had not expected. My plan was to go through 4 more years of school and become a pharmacist. But the Lord's plan was a little different and will be so much better for me anyway. I am now doing treatment and have been for 6 days. We will see how this works out, but if it doesn't work how I hope it will, I know the Lord's plan is better!
Over the last almost 3 months, I have read so much regarding faith, trials, submitting to the Lord's will, and hope. If life would have gone the way that I thought it was going to go I may not have had the time to read so many wonderful things. Also I would probably not have been able to be there for a family in my stake that all but 2 members died due to carbon monoxide poisoning. The two remaining family member were serving missions for the church and they were strong when this happened. Yes they missed their family, but they knew they would see them again and they trust the Father in Heaven knows when we have learned all we can here on the earth. He needs valiant people on both sides of the veil, since life is not over after we die.
Now some of you may be thinking, why I would be okay with the trial that I have had over 16 years of my life. What I have learned through it all is why! I have learned that we are placed here to learn and are given only what He knows we can handle and what will bring us closer to Him!! He knows us individually and loves us with a love that we can not comprehend. He gives us hope by placing people around us to help us as we struggle. I have had many people in my life who have been placed in my life at just the time when He knew I would need them and they would need me. He has given me the determination to keep moving forward each day knowing that an answer will come one day!
My chronic pain has given me empathy for those who have pain too. It has helped me to become closer to Jesus Christ and to understand in a VERY small way the pain He felt for all of us. I can not comprehend what it was like to feel everyone's pain, sins, trials, joys, sorrows, and all things that we go through. That is was makes Him the PERFECT Savior!! When it seems that no one else understands what we are going through and how much we are hurting, HE does!!!
Lastly I want to share my testimony with you of what I know to be true and love with all my heart.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know we are lead by living prophets who help us find our way home to Him. I know Jesus Christ died for me, but that He lives today because He was resurrected. I know the Bible is the word of God and that the Book of Mormon also testifies of Jesus Christ. I know that with these books of scripture I am better able to understand the mysteries of God. I know that Jesus will always be there to help us every step of the way. I know that He is always willing to bless us as we turn to Him. I know that we have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us individually and completely. I know that I do not comprehend all things and why they happen, but I know He loves me, which gives me hope. I know that as we act in faith and turn to Him we can be blessed. I know that we can not only be healed according to His will and timing, but that we can be made whole!
Again, my hope is that this may be helpful to others. Stay tuned, you never know what may come next. Yes the path we are on in life may not always go in the direction we think it will go, but if we trust the Master we will be blessed more than we ever thought we could. May you be blessed in your search to become His!!!
