I know, it has been a really long time since I last posted on this blog. A lot has happened this year. I have seen much, loved much, and sought after much. So here are a few highlights to catch you up on what has been happening.
In December of 2013 I went to Portland for Christmas which was the best timing due to how the semester ended. I had the best time with my parents and sister as we visited the coast to see my first mission companion and her family. I didn't get to see any whales, but one day it will happen. Then after spending a week and having a lot of fun it was time to drive back to Idaho to work and begin a new semester. Plans for school got turned upside down and so I worked really hard to make things right.
During the summer I had the privilege to spend some time with my parents again as they came to visit us. We spent a few days down in Utah visiting extended family and just having a good time together. We saw 2 of the temples that were being built- Ogden and Provo City. I have seen them many times during the time that they have been under construction, but it was fun to be there with my entire family.
I also had the chance to spend a weekend in Boise and another weekend in Utah before school started back up again. Unfortunately, there were so many pictures that I took from all of these fun things that I just don't have time to post them. Now I am back in school taking 18 credits for the first semester of pharmacy school. Many people have asked me how it is going so far, and the first few weeks it felt like I was in a dream since I did it all a year ago. This year I am cancer free and my doctor is not concerned about it being back again like he was last year. I still have the headaches, but know that it will be gone one day before I even realize it.
I have been going to school now for the last 3 years and it has been a roller coaster ride filled with ups and downs. In January after many years of searching for an answer to my constant headache pain, I thought I found the one thing that would take the pain away. I learned that my jaw was not in the proper alignment and began treatment in March. I was actually really excited as I was told of others who had headaches too and when they did the treatment their pain was gone within a few weeks. Now 6 months later I still have the pain and it has been really frustrating that it is still there. I suspect that most of you are like me and you would have begun asking the same things that I did. Why did their pain go away after their treatment began and mine is still there? What is the purpose in being in pain everyday, all day long? These headaches began when I was 18 years old and have been with me through everything...school, serving a mission, working, more school, and just everyday living.
Often times we ask ourselves why did this happen to me? or maybe it is asking why now? Those were my questions in the beginning, but over the years I began seeking the purpose. It wasn't until this last week when the purpose really began to take a hold of my heart and mind. The purpose has always been to bring me closer to Jesus Christ. He knows exactly what I am going through. He knows what it is like to have constant pain with very little relief. He knows so that He can bless me and help me each day of my life. In fact His help is there for me every second of every day. All He asks of us is to turn to Him and in the process trusting Him that the trials we face really are for our own good to make us more like He is.
This year I decided to dig a little deeper and I chose to start a journey with a book that is entitled "Becoming His A Daily Journey towards discipleship" by Emily Freeman. The best way for me sum up the journey is by what is written toward the end of the book.
"There is One who is my everything, in whom I can always trust
There is One whose guidance is constant.
There is One who will instruct me in a great work.
There is One who offers a second chance.
There is One who brings a healing balm
There is One who orchestrates my life.
There is One whose word is sure.
There is One who marks the pathway home.
There is One whose love is unconditional.
There is One who guards bravely against defeat.
There is One who anchors my soul.
There is One who burns in every bush.
And I am becoming His."
Jesus Christ is the One who can do all of these things for us. As we turn towards Him we can truly be His disciple. One of the stories in the New testament that I have come to love is found in Mark 5:25-34. It is about a woman who has an issue of blood that has been with her for 12 years. She has spent all that she has to be treated by the doctors at that time, but is not better at all. (The issue of blood is basically like having a period that will not stop for anything- bleeding all the time. Back in her day it would have made it so she was unclean and could not worship in the temple. People would have not wanted to be around her) She knew that Jesus was coming and had said that ..If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole." As soon as she touched his clothes she was healed. When He felt power leave Him, He turned to ask who touched His clothes. She did reply and I love the reply that He gave this sweet woman. "Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague." His response was tender and gave her the reason why she was now healed.
I find it interesting that in verses 28, and 34 the word used is "whole", but in verse 29 it says "healed".
In the last few years I have read this passage of scripture many, many times trying to understand why some are healed, some made whole, some have both, and others are called home. We all have our own individual journeys which require our hearts and our faith. Being made whole can happen at any point and that may be in this life. It is more than just your illness being gone. It is being able to rely on Him for everything and trust Him no matter what you face. It is being whole by using the atonement to repent of mistakes and seek for forgiveness. It is also being healed of what is plaguing you regardless of how you are afflicted- physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Needless to say, I really wanted this experience for myself. I wanted to be just like this woman, who had enough faith that just a touch of His clothes was enough. She had already tried everything that she could, and spent all that she had just be be clean again. I have tried many things over the years and have spent a lot in trying to find my answer. I have asked in prayer many times what more I could do so that it could be gone. Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for this trial because over the years it has drawn me with a great desire to be closer to Him. It has drawn me to others with similar struggles, and it has given me a greater sense of compassion for those who suffer. It has given me peace to know that regardless of how bad it may feel sometimes, that He is always there for me.
Just over 10 years ago a scripture was brought to my attention that I was told I probably had a good understanding of because of what I had gone through at that point. Honestly, at that point I only got some of it compared to what I understand now. Here are the verses from the Book of Mormon which I was told to turn to often.
Alma 7:11-12
" And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."
He truly did feel ALL things!! He felt them so that He would know exactly what we need to help us in our time of need. The atonement was not just suffering for our sins, it encompasses all that we feel in this life! He knows exactly how it feels to be in chronic pain and try everything that you can think of to find relief. He knows how hard it is to remember things when you are in pain, and how much some times you just wish you could sleep and the pain would be gone when you wake up. He really does know what I deal with every day. He also knows all that YOU go through and is always there with arms extended when you need comfort because you feel that you just can't move forward any more.
This past week has been filled with tender mercies from a loving Father in Heaven who knows my heart and sees what I need. He helped me to feel strength each day and lifted my burden so I could not even feel it upon my shoulders. There is another scripture in the Book of Mormon which applies to us when we feel we can not carry our burdens because they feel too heavy.
Mosiah 24: 13-15
"And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses of me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord god, do visit my people in their afflictions.
"And now it came to pass that the burdens of Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
The Atonement of Jesus Christ will give us strength so that we can not feel our burdens. Some burdens feel like a ton of bricks, and that it is just burying us deeper and deeper. But as we turn to Him, that burden can be lifted because of what He did for us.
The Book of Mormon has helped me to better know my Savior and that He cares for me so much. It gives me a greater knowledge of who He really is and helps me to better understand the Bible. Both work together to testify that He is the Savior of the World!
